Squish has continuously kicked ass in SO many aspects of his "disability" that everyone (including myself) thought he was ready for main-stream education. We moved him from his SDC and popped him into general education at his brother's school. We thought he'd be amazing since he's so "fantastic" academically and didn't even present the behaviors in his IEP anymore. Apparently, we were wrong. It's not the academics, because this kid is smart. Right on grade level, if not a little advanced. Nonetheless ... right now, we are in the middle of an Autism regression. Today, he slapped the living buhjeezus himself probably 100 times. He slammed his head into my back, the couch, his bed and his own knee almost all day. He hasn't had that high of a frequency of behaviors since he was probably two. I cried. I sat in my living room, holding him in a safety hold and silently cried. You know, the ugly face, no noise, just tears kind of cry? Yep. That one.
Not because I'm sorry that he has Autism.
Not because I'm the kind of tired a gallon of coffee can't fix.
Not because I'm scared for his future.
Not because my muscles are screaming at me for keeping him from blacking his own eye.
Not because I'm too poor to afford top-of-the-line therapies and products for him.
Not because I'm mourning the child that a therapist said he may never be.
Not because I'm giving up.
I cried ... because in this moment in time, with me sitting there cross legged and restraining my super-strong little boy ... I know my son is hurting. He needs me to understand, to KNOW. He needs me to read his mind and know what to do, what to say, what to fix ... and right now?
I just don't know. I spend so much time focusing on the future, the past and all the acronyms. Sometimes I forget to live for NOW. Sometimes I forget to stop charting and graphing and planning ... and just rely on instinct. That deep in the gut feeling we all get? Instinct, and I used to trust it. I really need to get back to that. Ya know ... It's there for a reason.
Oh ...& sometimes, for a brief second, I forget that all the neuro-diversity in my house is 1000x more frustrating for the kids than for me ... and then I feel like a selfish asshole for the entire day.
Tell me: what are some things you wish someone would have told YOU before you started on the parenting journey? & let me know if you're a parent to any differently-able'd kiddos!
Sorry I have been sooo MIA lately. I'm trying to come back. Blogging is my refresher. My escape. My spa-day.